A MONOLOGUE

2009

 

 

When I'm on the high, when I'm on the sex high, on the upside of my mania pole, I have to go with the people who have to have sex too, to do it multiple times in a row nonstop!  I don't know where the energy comes from, I'm just a high energy person, I guess, whatever it is, where ever it is, even if I have to walk ten miles!  It's the stimulation, forcing myself into new situations, a form of stimulation not only sexual, even though it is certainly a component of it, that's what makes it all happen anyway, the connection, in the first place, though there usually isn't an authentic connection!  I'll usually meet with them one time, and then I’ll never talk to them again, until I get desperate! In the past three months I've gotten 70 to 80 phone numbers, most I don't call back after the first time unless it is out of boredom, cause I have some really hot porn with some really hot guys in it!  I am really sexual, but I am not into violence or power trips though, I'm not into violence and sex, I don't know, I guess I am into coming on guys faces, it really turns me on, I want it now, Yes, it turns me on, but NO I am not an addict, or I'd be doing it right now!  I can make it happen, instead of just keeping it in my thoughts, I can bring it into reality, the kind of sex I want to have, I can make it happen if I try!  

My favorite thing is being naked with somebody else, with other people, like two or three really hot guys!  One on one is hot, but three is better, because the sex drive of three really hot guys is animalistic, it gets complex, complicated, and you can get as versatile as you want!  You can play roles, one person can be the, for a lack of a better term, the woman, with two guys taking turns from behind, depending on how adventurous you are, each person can take a turn as the woman!  Oral sex, double penetration, there is a lot of different configurations with three people or more, four is cool too, but the energy gets dispersed, ten is great, but it’s often more of an extreme sport!  

I go for the adrenaline, more than anything passionate, like love making, which is boring!  I prefer the carnival, where everyone is sticking everyone, everywhere, everything, in everyone, just like everyone is a piece of meat, a bunch of fucking animals fucking, nothing but animal urges, just the motion of hips fucking, everyone is just doing that, it's just FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK…Everyone is moaning, that is it, just a big ball of moaning!  There are no names, no personalities involved, just pieces of meat fucking pieces of meat, I couldn't imagine it being anything else, at least in my experience, at least where I have been!  You know, imagine the serious eye contact of an eleven some, you can't, you had to be there!  

Bath houses are a different plane of existence entirely, a different part of the human brain, I mean, you have to go into a different part of the human brain to go there!  There are vampires stalking around in the hall ways of the bathhouse, I mean, really troubled night persons!  They are all on drugs and very hedonistic, high out of their minds on crystal meth, it is just huge there, because on meth you can just keep having sex for hours and hours and hours and hours, multiple times, with multiple partners!  

If I want a sexual tryst otherwise, I use the internet, Craig’s list is pretty self explanatory, I just put up an ad that says, Hey, I'm new to town, then I post my number, here is my number, then they start calling for sex. I'll get 10 to 15 calls within the first few hours, from different people every time!  But it gets weirder and weirder, the people I meet with, every time, but it has never failed to work, new people call, always somebody who finally gets the spine to go through with the motions.  But, there is still a really good chance they will freak out when it comes down to it, it is super-super common.  Three out of four attempts fail to come into fruition, all the way up to the last minute, then the person doesn’t show up, you get stood up, and they'll either give you some lame excuse, or they'll suddenly stop answering their phones.  But by this point, I know exactly what that means, they just flaked out!  

In the past three months, I have probably been with well over 100 guys, most of whom I had no idea what they were going to look like before getting into their car!  People do not post good pictures they never look like their picture.  I do not have a car, so they usually have to come and pick me up somewhere, and I'll just hop in and begin making small talk, or if I am feeling very forward, I will suggest we hurry and decide where we are going, so that we can just get right into it, or you can be social, and try to be friends.  But sometimes after I am already in the car, I am not attracted to the guy, and I do not want to have sex anymore, but they still really do, and I am already in the car, so I'll let them give me a blow job…but I usually can't get off, because I am not turned on.  It’s always very weird, and I want out of the car immediately afterwards!  But if I find the guy attractive, if he is really hot, and I do want to have sex with them, I am like ‘Okay, let’s do this immediately!  

Often we will go to a hotel, I have been to most around…there is only two or three in the area I have not stayed in.  Sometimes we'll go back to their home, but more often than not they just want to mess around in the car, but I don't like doing it in cars, it is very uncomfortable, I mean I certainly have, in the library parking lot, the school, church parking lots, businesses, apartment buildings, and all types of men, from fat slobs to a surgeon from Houston, a trauma surgeon. People come in and he runs down and assesses the wound, if they need operated right now, if they have a bullet in their lung and need it taken out, he does that!  Yeah!  And I fucked him in the ass and he came in my mouth!  FUCK, I feel like I am telling somebody else’s' story!  Jesus!  

I guess one day, I think it would be nice at some point in my life to have a family, someone to be there all the time, and grandkids to occupy myself until I die!  I think at a certain point it is all that matters, but most likely I don't see myself…well, that is just my reality, it is inevitable…I am just…I feel like I am just walking around in my own world!  What can I say, I am into sex, I don't dance around it!  But, at this point in my life I feel odd and weird, I feel like I made a lot of bad choices, there is a lot I wish was different, I mean, I feel very fortunate that my life is unordinary!  I am glad I am doing what I want or else I wouldn't be doing it, I guess it is just the type of person I am, I guess I am just a piece of meat…piece of meat!